Poilievre Launches 'Fuck A Fan' Contest Amid Polling Slump

Canadian Conservative Party leader Pierre Poilievre has announced a 'Fuck A Fan' contest to boost his popularity, which he believes will help him recapture the magic that once had his party polling 20 points ahead of the governing Liberals. The contest promises one lucky Canadian an unforgettable night of passion with Poilievre.

Poilievre admitted at a press conference that he has struggled to connect with Canadians since losing last year's federal election, but believes this new plan will change things. He noted that in his adopted hometown of Battle River, Alberta, he sees many flags bearing slogans like 'Fuck Carney' and 'Fuck Trudeau', which made him realize that Canadians want a leader they can have sex with.

The contest is open to anyone who filed taxes last year, with Poilievre promising that there's nothing else to do to enter. When asked how the Conservative Party has access to this information, he simply said 'If you saw the stuff we did with your private information when Harper was in office you'd hurl.'

This announcement is not without precedent, as historians widely attest that R.B. Bennett won the 1930 federal election thanks to his campaign's 'Bed A Backer' promotion. Bennett promised Canadians that they would only be 'fucked by me in bed' if he became Prime Minister.